So...you want to be a boy. Quite frankly, I don't blame you! There's lots of reasons to want to be a boy if you were born as a girl.
For those of you now reading this essay, I am going to begin with two assumptions:
(1) That you are female, and
(2) That you have some interest in yaoi, bishounen or "boys'-love".
This essay attempts to deal with yaoi and its impact on women and their identities. This essay is NOT:
- an attack on yaoi, or
- an attack on any sort of sexual or gender identity.
There's far too much of that kind of hate to begin with, and it is not my intent to perpetuate any of it.
To begin with, the fujoshi (female yaoi fans) I have met generally fall into six categories:
type One, the Art Fan type, who merely feels that yaoi is romantic artwork on a classical theme
type Two, the Smut Fan type, who feels yaoi is one more variety of smut
type Three, the Gay Either Way type, is usually lesbian, and frequently sees more in yaoi about the universality of gay love and femininity of the subjects and less about their presumable Y chromosome
type Four, the Self-Loathing type, who enjoys yaoi as their damaged self-image does not allow enjoyment of hetero-romantic material
type Five, the Best of Both type, who feels that her own heterosexual female status is inherently disadvantageous and the best of both worlds is surely to have male privelige and status AND retain intimate access to men, by being a gay man
type Six, the Male Inside type -- the most serious of all, who feels some cosmic injustice is responsible for their female appearance and that they should be male, or ARE male in the psychological/spiritual sense, or WILL be male just as soon as they can acquire hormonal treatment.
Types 1, 2 and 3 are usually not conflicted about themselves or their identity, and this essay will probably be illuminating but not especially relevant to them. Types 4, 5 and 6 will probably find more in this essay that speaks to them.
So, gentle reader -- you're (at least somewhat) female, and you like yaoi. Consider if the following description sounds at all like you:
- You think yaoi relationships are "ideal" (special, uniquely attractive, equal) and no straight relationship can compare.
- You feel little or no attraction to heterosexual relationships, even fictional ones. You might even be creeped out by the notion of being involved in a heterosexual relationship.
- You don't feel "female" in spite of what your family and friends may tell you. You're probably not especially girly, and have a lot of tomboyish hobbies or a more masculine style of clothes.
- You have trouble relating to people (friends, family, potential love interests) in any sort of "feminine" way.
- The idea of being a boy, or even being thought of as a boy, is somehow enticing to you.
- Being so strongly drawn towards yaoi might have given you an attraction to feminine or androgynous men. You may in fact -- if you're a Type 4, 5 or 6 -- want to become one.
Does that sound like you? If it does, please, read on.
There's so much that appeals to you about yaoi relationships. Both partners are sexy and probably a little emo. They have the status of men but none of that annoying pressure to "be a man." They're adorable in just jeans and a hoodie, stylish devils in your average men's dress shirt, and if one (or both) partners wear girly clothes, this is an exciting deviation from the norm, and not something they're expected to do every day. There's no fear of pregnancy and often no stigma attached to them if they choose to have multiple partners -- they're just playful ukes, not filthy sluts. And they're rare -- yaoi relationships are elusive, special things because both partners are equal, in theory at least. The boys are often friends first, lovers second.
But you despair, because you're a girl! And it sucks so much to be a girl these days, I know it does. You really can't be blamed for not wanting to be female. Everyone expects you to be some big-boobed bimbo in order to be a "real" woman, your hobbies are limited, you're rarely taken seriously and it seems that society as a whole is obsessed with your getting married and cranking out some kids. Nobody understands your interests and you're written off as ugly because you don't feel like wearing makeup every day. The majority of men are disgusting sexist beasts who are only interested in getting a little action, and heaven forbid you should want any action because you can only want it if you're a filthy slut.
According to all the examples you find on TV and in the fashion magazines, women are all basically just shallow whores. It's painfully obvious that you're nothing like those bimbos.
You'd much rather become a boy! After all, you feel just like one already...and besides, it'd make everything better, wouldn't it? To be some precious little uke, adorable and sexy, with a handsome-yet-beautiful seme devoted to you. If only you were a boy.
Lucky for you, there's a way to do it...you can become a man! A transsexual man, but a man nonetheless. Nobody would dare consider you just another stupid, ugly, useless, yaoi-addicted girl or some nasty mannish dyke -- no, after your transition you'd be a fabulously smexy gay boi, free to live life as you pleased. You neatly avoid all those gross things (marriage, babies, sexism, etc) that are unavoidable when you're a woman. You take the hormones, you change your driver's license from F to M, and you're well on your way to becoming a stellar bishounen and finding the yaoi relationship of your dreams.
Or not.
I wish to clarify here that I speak with a little knowledge about yaoi due to being a fan for nearly a decade. Likewise I have known many, many transgendered and transsexual people in my life. My ex-girlfriend of two years was MtF and I've been to many support group meetings. Many of my good friends past and present are trans. I've read many personal accounts and plenty of literature.
My opinions are just that -- my opinions -- but trust that I speak from some degree of education and experience when I say that the majority of transfolk are acting on gender identity issues they've had since childhood, issues that are often cripplingly hard to ignore. To transition to their mental gender is more a case of survival than convenience. There is no well-defined age at which every transperson will know with certainty that their birth gender was not correct for them, but it's not unusual to hear of it occurring before one's age reaches the double digits.
A trans individual could be treated in a wholly fair and gender-neutral way, with absolutely zero gender-biased expectations applied to their behavior or style of dress, and they would still feel that their physical birth gender was not appropriate for them. They could attract any sort of person they wanted, and still feel they were not meant for the gender they were born into. They could be (and often are) successful, attractive examples of their birth gender and still feel that their birth gender does not match their psychological outlook.
I can't tell you -- or anyone else, really -- whether you are or are not transgendered. However I can make some general statements about behaviors and mindsets among women that do not necessarily make you trans, or a prime candidate for testosterone therapy and FtM transition.
- Just because you think it'd be fun/easier/better to be a boy, doesn't mean you are transgendered.
- Just because you don't like your boobs, doesn't mean you are transgendered.
- Just because you hate your body with a fiery burning passion does not mean you are transgendered. Body hate != transsexuality. Body hate and dysphoria are something many, many transgendered people struggle with, but so to do many, many non-trans people. You can be repulsed by your physical shape, your appearance, your style or wardrobe, or any number of physical attributes, without being trans.
- Just because you think it sucks to be a girl for X, Y and Z reasons...doesn't mean you are transgendered.
- Just because you'd rather wear men's clothing...doesn't mean you are transgendered.
- Just because you like the idea of IRL yaoi does not mean you are transgendered.
- Hell, just because you're attracted to gay men and want to bone them, doesn't mean you are transgendered.
- And furthermore, yes, just because you really really want to have a dick...does not mean you are transgendered.
Of course even if you meet all the above criteria, this doesn't mean you're not transgendered. But if your own personal gender identity crisis does not predate your discovery of yaoi, give it some serious thought. If your only motivation is that it sucks to be a girl -- or that you believe you'll be just so much more attractive and popular and desirable as a boy -- give it some serious thought.
"But," you might be protesting, "I know all that. I'm not becoming a boy just because I hate my female body and hate being treated like a girl. It's just that I don't care about shoes and shopping and painting my nails and all that Disney princess crap that "real" girls like. I hate "chick flicks" and would rather play videogames and drink and work on cars. I just don't feel like a woman."
Pray tell...what does a woman "feel" like? So you like to wrestle? Take apart computers for fun? Shoot rifles? Watch kung-fu films? You're not terribly sensitive and don't like cooking? You hate the idea of having babies? Do you really and truly mean to say that there are hobbies, attitudes, tastes, whatever, that are gender-specific? Think about that for a second -- doesn't that sounds sexist to you? Would you tell another girl that she can't participate in whatever hobby you're currently enjoying because "only boys" do that?
Perhaps you begin to wonder why I hate transsexuals, or hormone therapy. I don't hate either one. I simply feel that it's no secret that society as a whole thinks Men > Women, which makes it harder to make an objective decision about going from Female to Male. Especially if you're heavily into reading idealized, romantic portrayals of gay male life, which depict gay men as having all the perks of femininity (beauty, stylishness, desirability, sex with men) along with all the benefits of being male (independence, freedom from sexual harrassment, status, respect).
Do you picture your "ideal self" as a bishounen or otherwise androgynous man? If you take testosterone you can probably kiss that goodbye, since odds are good you'll come out looking like your brothers or other close male relatives, if you have any. Real-life bishounen are extremely rare, and often only "bishie" for a very short period of time, usually ending shortly after puberty. How many 30-year-old bishounen exist in real life? What's more, these happy accidents are often the result of good genetics and LOW levels of testosterone.
Witness how rapidly an adorable little boy turns into a pimply, hairy, gawky teenager at puberty, and realize the same change will be happening in you. Does this notion excite you, or does the thought of body hair and potential balding discourage you? Give it some thought. Many FtMs look forward to their first shave with anticipation -- if you feel the concept of growing a beard is downright discouraging, give your expectations a close look.
Do you like dating men? Keep in mind that, for every gay man who's cool with having an FtM for a partner, many won't be interested. MtF lesbians run into the same problem. And again, you're not necessarily out in search of whichever gay man is openminded enough to give you a chance -- you're looking for your fellow bishounen, your androgynous partner.
I won't even touch the very real difficulties of simply being FtM and taking hormones -- the social stigma, the difficulty in passing, the potential it has to complicate future relationships and job prospects, the emotional and physical changes wrought by testosterone. Anyone assuming that hormones and transition are an "easy" fix for anything needs to seriously examine their assumptions. Anyone assuming that you can take "T" and not become hairy, significantly more muscular and masculine, and potentially balding, needs to examine their assumptions.
I understand completely the appeal of hormones to some people -- it's such a dramatic change, it lets you feel that everything will be different from here on out. You will become someone else, someone you can actually relate to. All the people who tried to force you to become something you're not...they'll all have to step back, because now you're a completely new person. The idea of complete transformation is an incredibly powerful lure.
But think about it...really, will T do so very much for you? Or will you wind up on the other side of your transition the same person, just a good bit hairier and more manly?
And now, o my readers, if any of this has seemed familiar or like it might hit a little too close to home, you probably resent me. For some of you I've been dismantling a dream that perhaps you didn't know you had. Perhaps you were stuck at the depressing realization that you were female, either longing fruitlessly for a "yaoi relationship" with the bishounen of your dreams...or eagerly awaiting the day when you could get that magical injection to make you a "real boy."
But since I've just spent several hundred words telling you how hopeless it is, let me now tell you plainly that there is HOPE. And it doesn't involve surrendering your dreams, either.
READ ON --->>>
